I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm passing your future prison.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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