at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
