Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
