wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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