Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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