You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I touched a dick in church today
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
