I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
