i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
