Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
