Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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