It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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