..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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