Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you told grandpa to call you daddy
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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