found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
