speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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