I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
