Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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