if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
