paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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