so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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