I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
