I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
