You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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