Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
