My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
