you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
high people should be assigned attendants
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
