I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
