i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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