so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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