Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
