She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
