I am spending my child support on dildos
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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