someone threw a dead crab at me
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
