Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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