Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
