The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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