She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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