last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
