the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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