There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
