maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
