im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He passed out mid-signature
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
