You just made me feel so damn special
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
