u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
