you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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