k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
