I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
