you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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