Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
