Your dad touched me again.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
