roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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